Saturday, September 11, 2010

Pow Wow Power

I've just figured it out that I can go to pow wows 3 weeks in a row! Was at Indian Summer last nite, am meeting my friend Cindy & hopefully Patti at Native American Heritage Day on Sat. 18th & gonna check out the Harvest Pow Wow on Sat. 25th. Talk about feeling grounded! I love the way the drums calm & excite me at the same time.
Have you ever been calm, yet excited?
Very nice feeling.
That's the feeling that (for me) can move you forward.
I feel that I've almost come full circle in the evolution of being me & that I'm in a similar place as when I was 16ish. Very ME. Very fierce & fearless & confident.

I can come to terms with some things:
  • going back to the zoo-1 year & 5 eye surgeries later
  • un-becoming someone I'm not because of who I'm with
  • the uncomfortable feeling that comes with going for something outrageous
I'm still a work in progress on:
  • how much longer at the zoo?
  • the resurrection of the authentic me
  • keep moving forward
Yay for the journey, the process-
I do not acknowledge that enough.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010


Familiar, yet unknown.
Excited, yet anxious.
This is the swirl going on inside me as I gear up to go back to the zoo. (It's been just over a year since I hit my head & began the saga of eye surgeries, movement restrictions & a fairly pissy depression)
This swirl feels painfully similar to that feeling you get on the Sunday before school starts again in the fall. You had fun last year- what's the prob? Why does this feeling seem to never go away, but simply evolve right along with you? It becomes the nervous stomach that sometimes comes from going back to work after a long vacation. You enjoy your job & have fun with your co-workers -what's the prob? (I hope you do enjoy what you do & the people you do it with- I do)
How can I have a fear of change, when what I'm changing to is what I was originally doing before things changed? I've been off from work a year-but I've been there for 12! (Or is it only 11-because I've been off a year : )
I found a quote recently that describes my beliefs about fear fairly well. I used to "feel the fear & do it anyway"-but that only took me so far. This one fits me better:
"Courage is not the absence of fear, but the judgment that something else is more important."
I love the thought of taking away some of fear's importance. Everything that I'm going for right now is totally worth pushing thru those fears & being unstoppable.
I've spent the past two nites in our tent in the backyard thinkin' thoughts & breathin' breaths.
Funny how sleeping on the ground is so beneficial for me.
I can get to calm & happy quicker now.